Pretty much as soon as your bub moves into your fine establishment, life as you know it will come to a sudden halt. The nurses that took the pressure off you during the early days in hospital have waved their goodbyes and you are left with this screaming, pooping creation of yours that doesn’t even come with a user manual.
Only then do your loved ones come forward with the truths that nobody let you in on before you decided that reproducing was a fantastic idea. It’s almost like they try to shelter you from the onset of your new mum-life by wiped their memories in self-protection mode until their first visit to meet junior.
Team One Fine Baby is here to talk tough with you and prepare you for the reality of motherhood in all its glory. And don’t get us wrong, you’ll love it as soon as you accept that life with little ones takes you to this unexpected place in your life where no day ever is the same again. Enjoy!
Embrace your inner beauty
Here’s the deal. Hot showers first thing in the morning and a regimented beauty routine are overrated. Dressing up in trendy clothes does not outshine the comfy clothes you’ll basically live in every day. Learn to love your inner beauty and settle for new hacks such as the mum-bun, nude makeup (aka non-existent) and life in activewear. It will save your sanity on a daily basis.
There is nothing wrong with the standard mum-look that clearly identifies you as the owner of a precious little one. While you are at it, give a fellow mama muse the high five of understanding when passing by at the shops. She’ll thank you for it!
Appreciate wet patches as fashion accessories
You’ll develop a whole new level of appreciation for your two front extensions. Pretty impressive what these two babies are capable of! While your bub is trying to work out how many times a day it feels like gobbling down your magic potion, your two lady lumps will be the most confused.
As you try to navigate life on the outside and more often than not forget your new besties, the breast pads, get used to random gushes of breast milk soaking through yet another top in the most inappropriate of places. Some favourites are the supermarket checkout when you are frantically looking for your reusable shopping bags or as you discuss setting up a bank account for your newbie with the more than serious bank lady.
Dignity, say what?
Remember those days when you thought mums that acted like the most insane creatures out in the wild were pretty odd? Well, count yourself as one of the team now. As soon as bub enters your life a little switch in your brain activates and you can’t help but turn into your alter ego that loves lullabies, embraces baby talk and is capable of pulling a whole bunch of funny faces to make little one laugh.
And you know what, it’s great fun! You will rediscover your inner child like a long-lost friend that you have so much in common with.
Life is an emotional rollercoaster
You thought you were pretty emotional during pregnancy? Wait until your bub is earthside and you literally cry at the weather man forecasting an east coast low. PMS is nothing compared to the hormones to hit you post birth.
Our tip: Have a box of tissues handy at all times to deal with random outbursts. Believe us, it will eventually get better.
Learn to sleep standing up
Sleep deprivation is the toughest part of motherhood that nobody can quite prepare you for. Sure, you know that sleep will be an issue, but the actual extent is the big unknown until it hits you like a truck. Bags under your eyes the size of two suitcases will be a constant for quite some time, but nothing that sunnies won’t fix. At least you can now justify why a whole range of sunnies is a fair-enough expense.
You’ll become a master of sneaking a few minutes of shut-eye in wherever you can. We are talking in the car while you let bub wake up from the nap on the way home from the shops, while breastfeeding on the sofa or when trying to watch the news to keep up with what’s happening in the world. Pretty much resting your backside is a certain way to drift off within a second or two until bub rudely wakes you again. Who says recharging your batteries has to be done at night?
Cold coffee is a treat, right?
Give up on warm beverages pretty much for the next few years. Ideally develop a liking for iced coffee as it’s easy enough to add an ice cube to your lukewarm brew once it has been sitting on the kitchen bench for 30 minutes unsuccessfully vying for your attention.
Don’t get your hopes up that this situation will improve any time soon. It doesn’t get better from here as toddlers need your attention right there and then – always.
Those friends with kids were not that weird after all
Remember how you insisted that bub will fit into your lifestyle and you won’t change your ways? Vaguely recollect how you loved to comment on how your friends had changed and bend over backwards for their bub?
Now eat some humble pie and admit to yourself that your friends were right all along when they told you that life would change with a little one and your mini-me was about to rule every single aspect of your day.
Imagine how much pleasure your friends get out of seeing all newbie mums and dads in their circle of friends follow suit and give in to their new way of living. At least you can now join them and suffer together.
Grocery shopping – Your new favourite activity
How we used to hate grocery shopping. It was one of those necessary evils to be able to plate up a feast at night when it would have been easier to order some takeaway. How things change!
May we introduce you to the most exciting part of your week? The weekly solo trip to the supermarket where you can leave bub behind and waste an hour walking every aisle twice just so you can have a few more minutes to yourself.
You know it’s time to go home when you start rocking the shopping trolley back and forth like a pram and other shoppers give you those strange looks.